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Posts Tagged ‘doctor’
Tue, September 2, 2008 10:35 am By James Coolridge  Printer friendly version
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 In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it’s most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.
When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. “Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?” said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.
The first question was this: “Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?” “I would be half blind of course,” Patty answered without much thought. “What would happen if I poked out the other eye?” “I would be completely blind,” said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike’s files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. “Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?” “I would be blind in one eye,” he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. “Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?” “I would be completely blind,” he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, “Me hat would fall down over me eyes.”
Tags: doctor, Patients, questions
Mon, September 1, 2008 10:46 am By James Coolridge
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”
“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.
“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”
 “My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.
“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”
“So, what’s your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”
Tags: Wife, doctor
Mon, August 25, 2008 11:31 am By James Coolridge
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.” Joe was surprised, That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Tags: salesman, doctor, Tailor
Sat, August 23, 2008 11:19 am By James Coolridge
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed.
Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”
The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”
The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret…”
Tags: people, doctor, Patients
Fri, August 22, 2008 11:17 am By James Coolridge
 A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The old man said, “Oh, we’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.
Tags: doctor, Sex Therapist
Wed, August 13, 2008 10:16 am By James Coolridge
This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. “Doctor I think I have the crabs.” “When was the last time you had sex?” The doctor asks. “I have never had sex. I’m still a virgin.” she replied. The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her. After the examination he said, “I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don’t have the crabs. The bad news is you’ve got fruit flies.” “Fruit flies?” asks granny. “Yeah,” says the doctor. “Your cherry rotted.”
Tags: doctor, old woman
Wed, July 9, 2008 5:33 am By James Coolridge
 Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”
“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”
“NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward!”
Tags: doctor, psychiatrist, hospital
Sat, July 5, 2008 5:23 am By James Coolridge
 After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office.
“Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”
“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. Haroldson replied. “I hung him up to dry.”
Tags: doctor, mental hospital, suicide
Thu, June 26, 2008 10:16 am By James Coolridge
“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me - I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really - I spill most of it!”
Tags: doctor, patient, drink
Wed, June 25, 2008 1:23 pm By James Coolridge
“Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”"Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?”"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
Tags: doctor
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