Arxman - Humor Blog

Rules That Guys Wished Girls Knew

James Coolridge — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 06:32:12 +0000

If you think you’re fat, you probably are Don’t ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.

Don’t cut your hair. Ever.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if can find the perfect present, again!

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect answer you don’t want to hear.

Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.

Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.

Doctor, Patient, and Twitter

James Coolridge — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 07:45:59 +0000

Doctor Tweeting to a patient:

‘Your tests came back; You are very sick’

Patient Tweets back to doctor:

‘Can I get a second opinion?’

Doctor Tweets:

‘Yes, your Twitter page is ugly too.’

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Funny Blonde Jokes

James Coolridge — Fri, 20 May 2011 01:55:11 +0000

1. Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. “This picture looks like someone I know” she says. The other one has a look and says, “Of course dummy, it’s ME….”

2. There were two blondes going toCalifornia for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says “If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day”

3. A brunette says to a blonde “Look! A dead bird!” and the blonde looks up and says “Where?”

4. There was a blonde who was taking her kids to DisneyLand. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said “Disney Land Left,” so the blonde turned back around and went home.

5. There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says “Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders.” The blonde then replies “That’s a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?”

Dumb Blonde Jokes

James Coolridge — Fri, 06 May 2011 08:10:49 +0000

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A. It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?

A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?

A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes’ right leg say to the left leg?

A. Nothing, they haven’t met!

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A. Because that’s where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?

A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?

A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don’t blondes use vibrators?

A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?

A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?

A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Office Memo

James Coolridge — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 08:22:55 +0000

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Parachute Jumping

James Coolridge — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 05:54:48 +0000

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Ricky the Rooster

James Coolridge — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 06:24:22 +0000

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster-one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:’ I have just the rooster for you. Ricky here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!’

So the farmer took Ricky back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Ricky a little pep talk.’ Ricky,’ he said,’ I’m counting on you to do your stuff.’ And without a word he strutted into the hen house.

Ricky was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Ricky had finished having his way with each hen. But Ricky didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried more…

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The Perfect Christmas Tree

James Coolridge — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 09:52:22 +0000

Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, “I can’t take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let’s just pick one whether it’s decorated or not!”

Tale of a Desperado

James Coolridge — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 06:53:26 +0000

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said ,”If you fix our car we will do anything you want.”

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

When he finished are three girls asked, “How could we ever repay you Mr.”

After thinking for a short while he replied,”Could you hold my camel?”

Silly Woman’s Joke

James Coolridge — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 07:00:31 +0000

A woman finds a genie’s lamp. The Genie comes out and says, “You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for.”

The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. “You realize,” the Genie said, “that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?”

“That’s okay,” says the woman, “He’ll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful woman.” So the wish is granted.

Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. “You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?” the Genie asks.

“That’s okay. What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine,” replied the woman. So the wish was granted.

The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.

Arxman - Humor Blog

Rules That Guys Wished Girls Knew

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