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Archive for the ‘Marriage Jokes’ Category
Tue, August 26, 2008 11:37 am By James Coolridge  Printer friendly version
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 After nearly 48 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?” I found the remote,” he mumbled.
Tags: husband, Marriage Jokes
Thu, August 21, 2008 11:06 am By James Coolridge
 A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, “What a peaceful & loving couple” The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The husband replied: “Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, “That’s once.” “We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I SHOUTED at her, “What’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#$ crazy!?” She looked at ME, and quietly said, “That’s once.” And from that moment… we have lived happily every after.”
Tags: Wedding Anniversary, loving couple
Tue, August 19, 2008 2:41 pm By James Coolridge
 Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night
in the bridal suite.
Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible
shimmering silky negligee whimpering, “Take me Paddy. Take me
now!”
Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn’t
have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a
brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to the
reception to ring his mum for advice.
Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where
Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother
assured him that Bridget would love it.
Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if
she was ready. Bridget shouted, “Yes, Yes, I’m ready!”
Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and
put his head down the toilet.
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Sat, August 16, 2008 10:40 am By James Coolridge
At a friend’s wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, “I was just trying to be a good ring bear.”
Tags: kids, Wedding
Thu, July 24, 2008 2:40 pm By James Coolridge
 A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a £250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realised the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, “My word, for £250 they could’ve at least ironed it!”
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Wed, July 23, 2008 2:41 pm By James Coolridge
 A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week’s wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Sun, July 20, 2008 2:41 pm By James Coolridge
 Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior. The friend listened and suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.” The wife thought this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”
Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”
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Wed, July 16, 2008 2:41 pm By James Coolridge
 A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you….
the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
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Sun, July 13, 2008 5:50 am By James Coolridge
 Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote “Help” on the bottom of the groom’s left shoe and “Me” on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.
Besides “Help Me”, other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I’m With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I’m Doomed!)
Tags: shoes, soles, groom
Fri, July 11, 2008 5:43 am By James Coolridge
 A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom’s tuxedo.
After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom’s. Explain to the tux shop what you’re up to. Pick up the groom’s fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.
The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don’t reveal that you know anything as long as possible.
Tags: tuxedo, jacket, coat
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