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Archive for the ‘Adult Jokes’ Category
Wed, August 27, 2008 12:06 pm By James Coolridge  Printer friendly version
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies “No; what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man. “No; what do you mean?” says the newcomer. “You must be new,” says the hairy man, “it’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, “May I help you?” she says. The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.” “But sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I’m outta here.
Tags: nudist colony, gorgeous,
Fri, August 22, 2008 11:17 am By James Coolridge
 A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The old man said, “Oh, we’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.
Tags: doctor, Sex Therapist
Sat, August 9, 2008 9:43 am By James Coolridge
 Elderly Customer: An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. “I’m 90 years old,” he says. “Ninety!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?” “Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”
Riddle: What has a hundred balls and screws old ladies? Bingo!
The Virgin: There was this really old guy at a dance who hadn’t had any sex for a long time. He’d been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn’t scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said,”Listen, I’m having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place? I’ll give you $20 if you oblige! “I’m willing, let’s go,” she said. They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn’t get over how tight the grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she’s got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, “Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $50″. Surprised, she replied, “If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!”
Tags: virgin, Customer, woman
Wed, July 2, 2008 1:23 pm By James Coolridge
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his
mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
“First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse”, she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
“O.K., now take off my skirt”, and he takes off her skirt. “Now take off my bra”, which he does.
“And now, Johnny, please take off my panties”. Johnny finishes removing these too.
His mother then says, “Johnny, please don’t wear any of my clothes to school anymore!”
Tags: bedroom, school, panties
Tue, July 1, 2008 1:21 pm By James Coolridge
Men are like placemats.
They only show up when there’s food on the table.
Men are like mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like bike helmets.
They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Men are like copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
Men are like lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
Men are like high heels.
They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like curling irons.
They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.
Men are like mini skirts.
If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.
Tags: men, money, accounts
Thu, June 12, 2008 1:38 pm By James Coolridge
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next
husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, “At last they’re finally
together.”
A guy sitting in the front row says, “Excuse me Father, but do you
mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?”
“I mean her legs!”
Tags: jokes, adult, catholic, religious
Wed, June 11, 2008 1:09 pm By James Coolridge
 A guy can’t obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there’s nothing he can do unless he’s willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asks what the surgery is.
The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to “try out his new equipment”.
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.
While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.
She says “That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?”
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says “Probably, but I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”.
Tags: Viagra
Mon, June 9, 2008 5:03 am By James Coolridge
 A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
“I’ll only marry you under three conditions.”
“Anything, anything,” said the ambassador.
“First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.”
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, “Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!”
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
“Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.”
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, “Yes, yes, I build, I build!”
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
“Finally,” she said. “I’ll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis.”
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, “Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!”
Tags: secretary
Mon, April 21, 2008 7:58 am By Coby Clark
The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex and notice she’s gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O’Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton’s resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
Tags: boy, girl, perfect, day
Sun, April 20, 2008 7:59 am By Frank Orrico
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
Tags: Wife, husband, first, night, virgin
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